October- Smacks of Old Fart Returns!

I got this story from a good friend of mine who lives in St. Louis, and who is also an avid SOOF reader.  Though the names have been changed to protect the identity of this particular "Old Fart" my friend swears this is a true story.  And, if that's the case, I'm sure you'll agree that this guy should be anointed "Old Fart of the Year."

Here's how the story goes:

A guy named Ted was asked by his wife to clean out the family room fireplace.  They had enjoyed a fire in that room the night before, and Ted's wife thought the remaining ashes "smelled up" the rest of the house.

Ted immediately retrieved a plastic bucket from the garage to hold the ashes.  He then dutifully began scooping ashes into the bucket without noticing that some of the ashes were actually smoldering embers from the previous evening's fire.  When the bucket was full, he picked it up by its handle, carried it across the family room, out the back door, across the backyard to a hedge row where there was a pile of recently raked leaves, and that's where he dumped the bucket's contents.

After returning the bucket to the garage, Ted went back to the family room.  There he was greeted by the smell of burning carpet.  Embers had melted a hole in the bottom of the bucket and were unknowingly trailed across the floor as Ted was hauling the bucket out back.  Not being the quick thinker he was during his younger years, Ted ran to the closet, got the vacuum cleaner and started to suck up the ashes he had trailed across the floor.  However, before he could finish, Ted's wife yelled from upstairs, "Ted, the hedge is on fire!"  

Ted dropped the vacuum, ran outside, got the garden hose, drug it to the hedge and doused the slow burning fire.  Then, as if a light bulb had been turned on in his head, Ted dropped the hose, and ran back into the house.  Sure enough, there was the dust bag on the vacuum cleaner also on fire.  He picked up the vacuum, carried it outside, threw it on  the ground and hosed it down like a fireman fighting a three alarm house fire.

The good news in this story is that Ted's wife got new carpet for the family room and a brand new Oreck XL21 to keep it clean.  The bad news is that Ted had some unplanned gardening work to do in the spring, and was required by his wife to increase his daily dosage of gingko baloba.    

You just can't make this stuff up!  And, it definitely  "Smacks of Old Fart."  

-Pat

       

     

  

SOOF Wednesday

Since many of you emailed and asked, (and when I say many, I mean no one), why there were no posts last week, it was because we were busy.

When I asked the younger members of my family a short while back to list what makes them think "Old Fart", they all sent me several examples. I chose from those, but Shannon sent hers in too late for the post.

However, her comment must be addressed, because it is true. She said, "The inability to do more than one thing a day." I am afraid she may be right.

I don't know when this happened, because I used to do A LOT in one day. I worked, juggled three kids and their schedules, cooked, and cleaned, just as other moms and dads do.

Now it is an all day affair to do the laundry or clean up my office. How did this happen?
I know Shannon was not just talking about me. Several of my retired friends and I have talked about this oddity that takes place during this time of our life. Why one of the old fart authors himself couldn't write last week because he was spending time with his grandchildren.

Too busy to write a post
Pat and his granddaughter

Isaac and I headed to the coastal region of Texas.

Well, spending time with my grandchildren is my excuse too. I was in Houston with Lucy and Ava. We were busy and there was not much quiet time for writing.

Lucy and I mugging for the iPhone camera.

Ava turned four last week. I brought in gifts from Miles and Michelle and us.

The microphone was a big hit-with Ava. Joanie said, "Ava, we will have to write Aunt Michelle a special thank you note for this gift."

Do not let this face make you think Ava didn't like this Little Pony DVD. I meant to destroy it before I left Houston. I don't know why the makers of these children shows have to make the voices so irritating. Are they just trying to make grown people and puppies cry? The government needs to use this to torture prisoners. Or, maybe I was just past doing my one thing a day limit.

Lucy was too busy juggling calls and looking chic to bother with those Ponies.

I figured if ponies were popular, we might as well do them right. So off we went to the carousel. (actually, Joanie suggested it)

Oh the joy! 

So even though spending time getting one thing accomplished a day, or even a week, does SOOF, it can be very rewarding.

Smacks of Old Fart Wednesday

You know what Smacks Of Old Fart?  Floaters! Not like floating in the ocean. No, I’m talking about the kind old farts see in our eye(s) or head while other people around us do not see anything at all. Have you ever spotted a small speck, dot, or squiggle floating in the air, only to have it flit away when you tried to look at it directly?

Last week I had a minor procedure performed by a local ophthalmologist. A little YAG laser treatment to clear up some scar tissue on the back of a previous cataract surgery. I know, that SOOF too but really this is a quite common and very minor procedure. Afterwards I had 4-6 fuzzy, dark floating spots were visible. They call these “floaters”.

Eye floaters are spots in your vision. Eye floaters may look like black or gray specks, strings or cobwebs that drift about when you move your eyes. Most of the time people learn to live with eye floaters and ignore them. And they often improve over time. Only rarely do benign eye floaters become bothersome enough to consider treatment. Mine went away after 6 days just like the doctor said they would.

Okay, here is the SOOF part.  Jan & I were at a restaurant in the airport,t and I kept swatting at flies. The flies were not there. She kept laughing at me. Outside I kept thinking I was seeing birds fly by. If you know me you probably know I’m a bird watcher. I know that SOOF too but I started my birding hobby when I was eight years old. 

So, if you see an old fart swatting at “nothing” be understanding. It could and probably will be you next.

Floaters like this.

Not like this.

   

-barry

Smacks of Old Fart Wednesday

Jan and I went to IHop the other evening. We just wanted to have breakfast for supper. No that’s not what Smacks OF Old Fart. Jan pointed out to me they had a “senior menu” with cheaper prices. I was trying to compare the entrees from the main menu page to the entrees on the senior page. Here is where the SOOF situation began. 

1. My glasses were in the car so I couldn’t really read the menu too well. I was squinting so I asked my wonderful wife to read some of the descriptions to me.  
2. I was having trouble telling the difference between the “Split Decision Breakfast” and the “Rise ‘N Shine Breakfast”.  
3. Jan had to point out that the only difference was the price. 
4. I still almost ordered the wrong one. Jan saved me.
5. They did not card me. How did the waiter know I didn’t have a fake id?
6. The bill took me by surprise. I thought I was undercharged. Got into a discussion with the cashier. It turns out they gave me the senior price; the second senior meal free (that was for my SOOF spouse). Then another 10% off for being a senior. Who knew? I would have made a fake id a long time ago if I had known. I don’t think we could have cooked this meal at home for less money. Also, we didn’t have to clean up.
7. The only thing that kept this meal from really being a SOOF experience.  It was 7:30 PM. Most old farts eat supper between 4-5PM. 

-Barry

ps: You only have to be 55 yrs. old to qualify!